I think for the most part this blog has faded into oblivion. I think it would be easy to blame the sneaky snatching of my .com domain. Too easy, in fact. It would probably be even easier to blame the overwhelming feeling of apathy and lethargy that has gripped me and what seems, from my currently dim perspective, to continually pervade throughout these lands. I can be, regrettably, an exceptionally harsh self-critic. We here in Bosnia seem to have mastered that art. I think our tendency to paint the picture so black is just an excuse for us not doing anything. It’s a perfectly justifiable reason to sit behind our keyboards, cigarettes or coffees and either rant and rave or feel sorry for ourselves.
But things don’t change because we don’t embrace change. I am certainly guilty of that at the moment. I’d like to think I’m not afraid of much of anything in this world. The unknown fascinates me. Uncertainty intrigues me. I take life as it comes. Or so I thought. Then creeps in this nagging fear that you’re not enough – good, smart, talented, capable, reliable, whatever – just not enough of any of it. Or even worse yet, that it’s just not worth the effort. It meaning anything. That things are simply irreversibly fucked with no way out. So why even fucking try, right?
The planet is melting…or burning. We seem to be in a continuous downward spiral – politically, socially, economically, environmentally. We are paying a heavy price for our moral crisis, almost everywhere we look. Our resilience seems to be fading. It’s all we can do to stay uplifted when the world feels like it’s coming undone.
All too often, including (or especially) here, we project blame and finger point instead of taking the opportunity to simply accept things for the way they are and be mindful of why they are like that. Or God forbid should we pay a visit to the man in the mirror.
Behind the mask of this eternal optimist is a man who occasionally bathes in self-loathing. It makes me feel pathetic. Sad. It drags my self-esteem through the mud. See, even here I am projecting by using ‘it’ instead of ‘I.’ Then someone sent me this Chinese proverb…listen:
So I’m halfway there. I wonder what the other half of this journey will look like. So it goes.